5 Types of People You Don’t Want on a Road Trip

Road trip, baby!

Those three words are to most of us are what ripe bananas on a forest floor are to a wandering chimpanzee. You don’t chance upon them as often as you’d like.

But sometimes, just sometimes, you get the premonition of impending doom. And it is usually because of the terror you have riding along with you for company.

So here’s my list of 5 types of people you don’t want on a road trip.

The Sleeping Beauty

You remember that episode in Friends where Joey and Phoebe take a six-hour road trip to Las Vegas and he sleeps for five-and-a-half?

Yeah, that type definitely makes this list.

We all have that one friend/acquaintance/god-can’t-stand-that-guy whose sole purpose of coming along for a road trip is to test his/her drowsiness against the organ-rearranging skills of the Indian roadways. There are only three instances when this person will come to life:

• Stopping for food
• Toilet-breaks
• Encroachment of personal space by another sleeper

You can usually identify this person by the eye-mask and the fluffy pillow kept conveniently within reach. A question I want to ask this type is: “Why go for a road trip – that wonderful experience of bonding with friends and leisurely enjoying the diverse vistas that pass you by – when all you want to do is count sheep?”

Maybe I will. If they ever wake up.

The Insomniac

Almost as bad as the Sleeping Beauty is that type who Just. Won’t. Shut up.

The Insomniac is your garden-variety hyperadrenalin-induced homosassy who considers it a mortal sin to grab even a second of shut eye along the way. I mean, yes, we get it, it’s a road trip and we’re all here to have fun along the way but must you feel the need to crack raucous Santa-Banta jokes and burp-sing We Are The Champions all the way?

If you want to deal with the Insomniac, try a group intervention to explain – gently – that it would be great if he/she could be a bit less fabulous so that others could get some rest. If all else fails, slip something in their drink.

The Party Pooper

This type has been kept deliberately vague to denote a wide variety of people you don’t want to be stuck with in a contained space over extended periods of time.

This includes:

The Worrier: “My cellphone’s AccuWeather report says it might rain. I didn’t bring a raincoat. Oh god, did anyone else bring a raincoat? We need raincoats!”

The Timetable: “We took thirty minutes longer than usual at breakfast. We’ll drive 10 km/hr faster to make up for lost time. And Ranjit, you need to be two minutes faster during toilet breaks.”

The No-Can-Do: Sometimes referred to as the Planner, this one goes by the book. Deviations are not welcome. “Can we stop by that lake and have pakoras?” Nope. “Oh, look at that view, quick, stop the car…” Not happening. “You know, there’s a renowned paranthewallah a few kilometres…” Don’t even think about it.

The Hulk

This type needs a psychiatrist but doesn’t deserve one. No, we’re not talking about a green dude with a tendency to grow about seven times his size and play discus throws using cars for fun.

No, this type tends to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. Double whammy if the Hulk and the Worrier are one person. Trips with him (or her) aren’t fun, not only because you constantly have to walk on eggshells around him, but also because if you ever get pulled over by cops and he starts talking, goodbye road trip, howdy there prison.

The Princess

After she’s (or he, you’d be surprised by how many Princesses you’d find in the male species) made you wait outside her house for over thirty minutes, she’d get in the car like she’s done everyone a favour. And on you’d go, but not without constant alterations in plan and many a gritted teeth as the Princess proceeds to sculpt your should-have-been-fun-road-trip into yet another extension of her personal fiefdom.

Taking selfies just about everywhere, refusing to eat at a dhaba because how tacky, and bringing the mothership down after sustaining a little graze on the arm are some of the common symptoms of this category.

So, here’s my list of the 5 types of people you don’t want on a road trip. Know anyone who fits? Share with us in the comments section below.