7 Habits of Highly Annoying Flight Passengers

Welcome to Flight MayhemAir 101. My name is Ms. Snarky Truthfulson and I will be your flight attendant for today. Before you settle down and start encroaching upon each other’s personal space, do spare a moment for a brief but illuminating guide on proper flight behavior. We call this guide ‘7 Habits of Highly Annoying Flight Passengers’.

1. “Hostessji, please to watch my baby”

Well, since you paid for the ticket, this is kind of a given, no? Feel free to put your eye mask on and listen to Rafi Sahib’s golden hits while the good flight attendant attends to your kid.

And no, that five-year-old brute rampaging up and down the aisle thanks to the eight glasses of Coke you let him drink is not a baby.

2. “So babez, you wanna fly United?”

Alright, you studmuffins, divert your gaze from that Nargis-Fakhri-lookalike you’re scoping and listen up.

Flirting is great, if tastefully done. Unfortunately, in most people’s dictionary (not you, dear reader, never you) the word ‘tasteful’ only exists to describe the shaami kebabs at the engagement ceremony of Ahujaji’s lovely daughter Minti.

Seriously though, if you’re thinking of joining the Mile High club thanks to that epic pick-up line you got from Creeps-R-Us (a) Don’t do that (b) Go home and rethink your life.

3. “Just a minute, I’m on an important call”

Oh, you are! Pardon the flight attendant for her impertinence. Those “No electronic devices” commands are just conversation starters, you know.

4. “Madam, one more drink pliss”

Look, we get it. The drinks are complimentary, and you enjoy a good tipple—or four. Maybe you can handle 10 more shots before feeling the urge to prove that you’re a better crooner than Himesh. Maybe you just need three more miniature bottles to complete that pyramid back home.

But think of the passengers sitting next to you. They didn’t sign up for reeking breath and uncoordinated movements. They probably get enough of that during the family get-togethers when Pappu and Babban uncle decide to have “ek chota sa lovely-lovely”

5. “The food is too expensive!”

Naw, really? Off with their heads!

So what if the flight attendant doesn’t fix the prices? So what if that cheap ticket you bought from the last flash airfare sale does not get you complimentary food? The world owes you something, damn it!

6. *snaps fingers* “You. Come.”

Aww, aren’t you a charmer! Being polite and considerate is obviously not a pre-requisite to better living. You’ve been brash-talking all your life and things have been just dandy.

But consider getting off your high horse for a few precious moments of introspection. Saying ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ won’t cut your bank balance but it sure as hell will earn you some dignity. It’s called being a person. Try it. I’ve been told it’s a nice way to be.

7. “Would you mind holding the detonator while I adjust my bomb vest?”

No. Just, no.